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Feb 6

Cholesterol Diet Plan

You’re ready to die; but your kids won’t let you.
Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.
We’ve got an easy diet plan for you.
What most people don’t understand is that there’s bad cholesterol and good cholesterol.
It’s important to know the difference, and there’s only one way to do so.
With SCIENCE.
It’s all very complicated. And I have no idea how it works.
But it WORKS.
With our knowledge, and your commitment, we’ll knock that bad cholesterol down.
With outrhelp you can put your worries to bed, and you’re kids can start looking forward to you getting old.
So old it’ll be THEM that wants YOU to die.
But you won’t, because you’ll be old.
And old people are filled with the power of hate.
And hate is forever.
Keep reading, and learn how to use a caloricly reasonable diet plan low in sodium and saturated fats to harness that power and keep you going strong… forever.

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Feb 6

Vegan Diet Plan – introduction

The Vegan Diet Plan

You’re a vegan.
That means you don’t like hurting things.
Or maybe that you’re just into health and bad science.
Either way, we’ve got you covered.
And we’ll make you healthy, in spite of your determination not to eat all the things that keep the human body strong.
With our help, you’ll be like a tiny foreign car that runs on dandelions and urine.
The vegan diet is a diet about compassion.
It’s eating things… that care.
No, it’s not eating things you care about.
No, it’s caring about what you eat, so you choose not to eat it…
Wait.
Ok, I just write the copy.
I’m going to get my vegan nutritionist.
I’ll be back.

So as it turns out, the vegan diet is about a non-violent approach to eating, and offers protection against cancer, arthritis, obesity, and various other unfortunate conditions.
Vegans must be careful to keep their dietary practices within certain parameters, however, to avoid deficiencies that make them look like AIDS patients.

Some vegans also eat way too much chocolate and get fat.

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Feb 6

Mediterranean Diet Plan – introduction

The Mediteranean diet plan

Zeus, Apollo, Aphrodite, Plato, other Greek people.
Strong, Wise, Tan.
Togas, sunsets, white fabric.
These are the things that you’ll be eating on the Mediterranean diet.
Not really, actually, there probably will be a lot of olive oil and gyro meat.
An ambiguously Jewish guy might try to sell you a hookah.
But it’s going to be great.
And unlike you’re friends, you’re diet will have the classical backing of a nation that was forward thinking enough to be ok with dudes sticking it to other dudes thousands of years ago.
That’s right. NAMBLA, classic style.
And we’ve got the diet for it. Right here. For you. For free.
Leaves. Figs. Architecture.
You’ll be skinny in no time.

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Feb 6

Bodybuilding Diet Plan – introduction

Bodybuilding Diet Plan

Lose weight?
Why would I want to do that?
I want to lift cars!
Yeah you do. Lifting cars, flipping tires, throwing kegs of beer over arbitrarily tall fences while surrounded by promotional girls in bikinis who flirt with you and give you coy smiles and take pictures of you while stroking your well muscled ego as long as you don’t touch them or ask for their phone number.
Yeah.
Hit the Gym, like a boss.
Get your tan, like a boss.
Iron your shirt, like a boss.
Women want you, and men want to know what brand of protein powder you use.
It’s time to get RIPPED!
And by ripped I mean BUFF.
And by buff I mean look like a HE-MAN action figure before all the limbs get mixed up and it looks like someone who was abducted by the bad guy from “the Human Centipede.”
How are we going to do this?
Keep reading, it’s going to be awesome.
And by awesome, I mean FILLING.

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Feb 6

Paleo Diet Plan – Introduction

The Paleo Diet Plan:

Eat like a caveman!
A ravenous beast stalking the paleolithic era, beholden to no man, savage and fierce, you have rage fueled blood and your vein wreathed arms are strong with the wrath of your ancestors!
Does this make you want to chase your prey across the plains of Pangaea? Or possibly Wisconsin?
Does it make you want to pillage neighboring tribes and take their women to stok your harem?
If so, you might like the Paleo diet plan.
It’s fuckin’ manly!
And my manly I mean it’s full of fat and protein and will make you fart hard and lift harder.
It’s the diet of your ancestors.
Not you’re grandparents, your ANCESTORS.
The idea here is that we’re basically the same machine that we were a few thousand years ago.
Nice new interior, same basic model.
So our bodies function optimally when we feed them the same things they evolved to burn.
Mostly stuff we can eat like it comes, or with a little bit of fire.
It’s a pre-agrarian diet. No bread or pasta here!
Nothing new or processed!
MEAT!
EGGS!
NUTS!
VEGGIES!
FRUIT!
Things we can pick up off the ground or chase down and shove spears into.
This diet works for people who psychologically do well with very structured approaches because there’s no ambiguity.
You eat stuff off a small list, eat as much as you want within reason, and drink water.
That’s it.
And since the diet is based in “evolutionary science,” you’ll know pretty quick if it’s going to work for you, since unlike diet’s where you tend or feel hungry or have headaches and whatnot, you’re SUPPOSED to feel better on it. (Once you’ve detoxed from withdrawal of all the processed sugars and such you’re used to.)

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Feb 5

Easy Diet Plans – WELCOME!

Dieting sucks!

Think about it. No pizza, no pretzels, (i adore pretzels, especially the soft buttery ones, the ones from the mall, the hot ones without too much salt, just enough and maybe some melty cheese or even a side of icing. Speaking of icing, have you had cinnabon? It makes me want to change my pants. To pants made of cinnabon, and then eat the new pants I just changed into.) Other stuff too: fast food, slow food, food made of the once living flesh of dead pe-, er, animals.

People hate dieting because you’re depriving yourself. Think of the frame! The entire idea of dieting is that you’re giving up something you love. Who never has to diet? People who don’t care about food. They eat when their body tells them they need nourishment. We know, deep down, when do NEED food. Animals know. I mean, to some extent, we ARE kinda programmed to eat when we can, food was once scarce, after all, but nonetheless, most animals even in zoos eat when there’s food and they are hungry, and then don’t eat when food is unnecessary. Some pets really seem to take on the bad habits of their owners though. It’s kinda sad, really. Fat pets. Fat ugly pets. Fat ugly stupid pets. I swear one day there will be cats with pictures of the lady’s who own them and work in cubicles where they complain about people stealing their bite size snickers.

Anyway, if we want to make dieting easy, we must first recognize what’s wrong with dieting, and with what we’ve been led to believe about food our whole lives! Food is awesome, I’ll be the first to tell you. But there are WAY MORE awesome things in the world than food. Food is just the cheapest, easiest, most reliable way to experience awesomeness we have available to us. Aside from the whole touching ourselves in an impure way thing. And what are we taught?

EAT!
Eat when things are bad and you’ll feel better!
Eat when things are good and they’ll seem even more fantastic!
Eat when you’re bored and you’ll feel like you’re doing something!
Eat whatever is in front of you cause children are starving in China! (Or africa, or never-land, or wherever is not here and in fashion to feel bad about the children of. I like africa right now, cause you know what you get with food in africa? That’s right: AIDS.)

In any case, you see the problem? Food has become a universal answer for what to do with our time. I panacea for depression, anxiety, or the sneaking suspicion that perhaps we should be doing something that leads somewhere. I have GOOD FRIENDS and the only thing we do together… is eat.

It’s EASY to be fat in our world. But we don’t have to be. You’ve found this site, and on this site you’ll learn everything you need to know to start looking and feeling the way you’ve always wanted to. There are many paths to the top of the mountain, so we’re going to detail several easy diet plans, so you can choose the one that best suits your goals and lifestyle.

It may seem daunting, it may seem hard; but be happy! You’ve already done what most people can’t. You’ve made a decision to change. You’ve taken the first step.

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